Words: Ali Tufan Koc | Illustration: Martin Justesen
“If you go home with somebody, and they don't have any food in their fridge, don't fuck 'em!”
Although the original, famous quote by John Waters was about books, not food, I’m pretty sure if Mr. Waters had gone home with somebody and realized that the fridge was totally empty (or pitifully stocked), he would have left right away too.
He should. He must. Everyone should. Everyone must.
It doesn’t matter how naked you two are or how close you are to an intimate moment.
Put some clothes on and leave the room immediately, for your own sake.
There’s no excuse for an empty fridge unless you have someone to take care of at the hospital OR you just don’t live there anymore.
In my case: I don’t live there anymore. I now rent out my former apartment in Brooklyn on AirB&B. It belongs to my visitors.
I only spend few days in my apartment every month, and every time I go back, a new mystery begins…
The mystery of leftovers and half used goods that have been donated to my fridge by strangers.
The fridge matters. It plays a huge part in a person’s life. At least, mine. It reflects your lifestyle, shows your character. To me, an empty fridge is a portrait of sadness, a novel of loneliness.
After being away for a long time, an empty fridge is the last thing you’d want waiting for you at home. Luckily, I came home to discover cheese.
It all started with crackers. And it felt good. A slice of sourdough bread. A frozen gluten free pizza. Half of a Fuji apple. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Boring and not-so-healthy chips. I started to take this as a sign from the universe. Maybe, I had become too picky, too snobby when it comes to food, and it’s time to be more open to all types of food. Maybe I should try everything I find in my fridge. Challenge accepted.
Test one: sticky fingers.
What is that strange looking citrus that was left in fridge?
Finger limes. (Just the limes and nothing else.)
Asian or Mexican?
Older or younger?
Single or married?
Straight or gay?
What can those limes tell us about the last guests?
More importantly: What is the universe trying to tell me by leaving me alone at home with a fridge full of just finger limes?
Known as a “microcitrus”, they are indeed tiny. I cut them in half to sample them. Its vesicles are little bitty balls that almost look and taste like a fruit caviar that holds its shape until the beads burst in your mouth. Very experimental, very exotic!
Test two: split ‘foodie’ personality
Sometimes you find yourself in a mysterious ‘CSI’ scene with odd clues and odd pairings.
I don’t think anyone at the FBI could explain why a very mysterious case of Red Bull is sitting next to a pile of plant based/soy free/gluten free/organic/probiotic/non-gmo products. What kind of Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde situation is this? You eat super clean and green during the day, and then you turn into some kind of Red Bull-chugging, Ibiza DJ at night?
I follow her steps and have whatever she had. After having an “activated” superfood cereal containing figs, flax, fiber with hemp, marshmallow root, and psyllium husk, I drink a Red Bull. One, and then another. No secret here. This is definitely just a split ‘foodie’ personality.
Test three: Attack of the cans
Cans everywhere. Chicken Soup. Chicken Broth. Lentil. Black Bean. All canned. Everything is canned. I’ve never seen so many canned things at my house before.
“They must have had quite a military experience”, I start to assume. A quick history.com reading refreshes my memory: “In 1795 the French Directory (the final phase of the nation’s government following the French Revolution) decided that something needed to be done about the military’s food supply. During that year French forces fought battles in Italy, the Netherlands, Germany and the Caribbean, highlighting the need for a stable source of food for far-flung soldiers and sailors. The Directory’s leaders decided to offer a 12,000-franc prize through the Society for the Encouragement of Industry for a breakthrough in the preservation of food.”
Now there it is. The explanation for all the canned foods I’ve avoided throughout my life. I go with Amy’s Organic Chunky Vegetable Soup. Chunks of tender, organic carrots and green beans, plus sweet corn, peas, and spinach, all in a savory, satisfying, tomato-based broth. Gluten free/dairy free/soy free/lactose free/tree nut free/vegan/kosher, it says. It’s not the best dining experience ever. But, at least, it makes me feel warm and not-that-hungry for a while.
An open P.S. to my future AirB&B guests: Never leave the house with an empty fridge. Never.